rooted but reachingwhich is more desirable?to run deep or free?This is a haiku I wrote quite some time ago about what a tree represents to me. Always the tension between reaching up toward the sky with leaves flying while at the same time, digging deeper and deeper into the ground and rooting to the spot. I was thinking about my last sketch of the "blob" of myself and how I said I'd wrap myself around whatever was closest in order to take a shape. Luckily, I'm getting much of my sense of humor back so I thought of all kinds of things I could wrap around and started sketching some of them. Here's one image that came to me. 
I'm not happy with how dark it turned out but that's the way it goes. I'm beginning to like this little guy. He's developing some personality!
"Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job...And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another -- that is surely the basic instinct....Crying out: High tide! Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take this life for what it is." -- Barbara Kingsolver, From High Tide in Tucson.
It's hard for me to describe where in my head this image came from. As I've noted elsewhere on this blog, I'm experiencing a major mid-life crisis. Sometimes, I wish I could've just bought a little red sports car and be done with it. Instead, however, the universe has asked me to turn myself inside out, scour my insides with steel wool, and then hang myself out to cure for a while.
When the universe speaks, I try to listen. This blob of stuff is how I see myself being in the world for the past several years. It kinda looks like intestines or sausage to me - I'm a Psychologist but I have NO idea how to interpret this form. Feel free to project your own interpretation and share. The essence I was trying to capture was a feeling of not having a clear form; not having a core around which this "stuff" could wrap and take shape. My career, relationships, day to day life provided a structure. At times, I would lock onto the closest shape and wrap myself around it because that's less scary. Now I'm wanting to find that core internally.
I know it's quite a luxury to be able to spend all this time navel gazing when some are working their fingers to the bone just to put food on the table or trying to survive in a combat zone. My hope is that the form I'm able to take will allow me to add something of use to this world. I will likely continue to sketch the process to see what takes shape. I'm kind of interested in what will happen next.
I've heard of an art exercise called 100 Demons where the artist creates...well...100 Demons! I started with my worst demon: shame. This sketch is based on a picture of a magnified cancer cell (breast cancer, I believe). To me, shame is like a cancer that's insidious and difficult to get rid of -- all those tentacles reaching out to take over and kill the healthy stuff. I'd like to stylize this more so it really looks like a demon -- kind of make it funny or over the top as a way of mastering it! The design principles at work here are repetition (the tentacles repeat within the main cell and are also repeated at the edges of the page) and movement (the tentacles lead the eye back to the sphere of the cell again and again; the diagonals and the hashmarks of the shadow - yup - that's a shadow - also create a sense of movement). I'm not quite sure how to apply the containment idea but I might say that the white space around the cell provides containment for the image of the cell (??).
I must have been thinking about traveling a lot in the past several years. I wanted to name my private practice Waypoint because it represents a point to stop and rest, to regroup for the remainder of the journey, or to get oriented on the path. It can also be a goal to reach. I got the idea from Geoff as he used a GPS to designate waypoints for our travel destinations. I had no idea exactly what my journey would entail. I thought I was on a straight path that would take me through the rest of my life. To my surprise, this year feels like the beginning of a regrouping process. At this point, the trip seems like it's going to be an extended one. I'm reconsidering everything I used to take for granted. Kind of feels like I'm driving at night without any headlights.
When I do travel, I like flying for the convenience of it but I think I prefer driving to my destination when I can. It feels disconcerting not to see everything that lies between the two points, especially if I'm going to a place that's very different from where I started. I like "experiencing" the change process from point A to point B. With this life change stuff, I'd just as soon get on a leer jet and zip across time to the next waypoint, knowing more quickly how things turn out. Am I happy? fulfilled?
Given the metaphor of travel that's been creeping up in my vision of life right now, it's not surprising that when I went for a walk several days ago and wanted to 
make some sketches, I chose to capture a bridge crossing over a creek. I feel like I'm stepping onto a bridge right now in my life. I'm not quite sure what's on the other side. It looks harmless enough. As I step onto the bridge, however, I begin to feel excitement and trepidation. I've never been so aware of crossing to the next place. Endless questions nag me -- is this the best direction for me? can I handle what's on the other side? what exactly am I crossing over? will the bridge hold my weight or will I tumble into the chasm of death and destruction underneath? Sorry, just a little bit of an exaggeration.
When I first made this sketch, the perspective was WAY off. I can see that it is still a little bit off but with a little correction, it got better. I guess all I can ask of myself right now is to take whatever time I need, make sure I have as clear a perspective as possible and cross each bridge as I come to it, trusting that what's on the other side will be worth the trip. Wish me luck!
Soon after I moved to Champaign-Urbana (CU), one of my new friends who had lived here for several years said "People don't decide to stay in Champaign, they just stop thinking about leaving." There are many things to love about CU. The traffic rush hour is essentially non-existent. Yeah, there are more people on the road but a couple of extra minutes at the stoplight isn't exactly gridlock. Housing is affordable. The dirt here is great so yards and gardens are beautiful. There are enough liberal-minded people that I don't feel the suffocating squeeze of conservatism that exists in the more rural areas of the Midwest. The University supports interesting performances at a number of venues. It's a big enough place to have two hospitals so if I have a botched surgery in one, there's another to try. The U of Illinois attracts a culturally diverse population. And, now, we have a marathon!
According to the US Census Bureau, by size, CU is 192nd of 363 US metropolitan areas. Not a very distinguished position. Kind of like being a middle child. Nothing really special about us. We're not the biggest or the smallest. Neither first nor last. No one pays any attention...We're just not inherently special. Take note, however, we almost have a skyline. One of my clients looked at the view from my 5th floor office, including some of the new, taller apartment/retail buildings and asked humorously, "are we getting a skyline?" My response? "Almost."
We don't have a Trader Joe's or a Whole Foods. No Container Store or Ikea. No H&M or Anthropologie. No Crate & Barrell or Pottery Barn. We do, however, have 3 Super Walmarts. Woo-hoo! Why not embrace our almost-ness? We can see it as a place of striving. A place where being the 190th largest city is just around the corner. It's not clear that CU will ever move into the realm of skylines and cityscapes but, hey, as a middle child, I like it just fine.
[The sketch is the view from my office. I did some work on it in Photoshop but I'm now having problems editing it -- the lettering is awful. Back to the Photoshop tutorial to learn how to work with layers!]
